Tuesday, 29 August 2017

New Beginnings

Over the last 6 years or so, I have been all about makeup. I can remember seeing Pixiwoo videos and being totally consumed by all that they were about. I started a beauty channel on YouTube and a blog which focused on beauty and a little on my life.
It was something for me. It made me feel productive and I loved every aspect of it.
In 2014-2015 I had a break. A break from pretty much everything. I wasn't watching YouTube videos or reading beauty blogs.
I started making my way back to making videos and blogging but the feeling wasn't quite the same.
Over the last couple of years I have been trying to squish myself back into the mold I used to fit perfectly into... and it just isn't working.

Throughout 2015 to now, I have been all about : what's new?, that palette looks amazing!, I need all the shades of those lipsticks... But recently I have found myself drifting away from makeup.
On the days that I wear makeup, I am overwhelmed by all of the palettes I have to choose from. And the amount I haven't yet used is absolutely ridiculous.
I was so excited to get my hands on the Anastasia Beverly Hills Palette late last year and how many times have I used it? A big fat eye watering 0.
Upon writing this I even struggled to remember the name of it -__-

I have SO many palettes that I don't regret buying as I will use them in the future, but I am consumed with a feeling of being 'wasteful'.
I think that the fear of missing out plays a large part in my ever growing collection.
But the thing that really gets to me is : I buy the makeup so that I am current in the beauty blogging/YouTubing world and then don't use it for a really really long time at which point it's no longer 'the holy grail thing' or 'must buy of the month'.
So in actuality I'm not keeping up with the ever changing and ever growing world that is the beauty community.

I have found in recent months that I am getting more of a rush from working on myself than I am from applying makeup, watching YouTube videos or reading about the latest Morphe palette.
Don't get me wrong, I love makeup! I look at my collection and my heart races with happiness :)
I just feel that it has become a much smaller part of my life than it was. It makes me feel so happy in a lot of ways that I am more interested in focusing on my recovery than anything else.
- ignore me, these are just tears of joy :')
I think I used makeup as a distraction. If I was focused on something else fully, I didn't have to think about myself.
This pattern has cost me quite drastically in many ways. But now that I have recognized it I can start putting the steps in place to change it.

Another factor is that for the longest time I have had the belief that I can only be one thing.
If I like something, that's what I like. So, if I like makeup I should run a makeup blog etc.
I am a total black and white thinker. It's something I'm working on and I think that is what has lead to this post.
My mind is becoming more open. Open to new things, old things and more open to myself.

The decision I have come to is that there will still be makeup posts but there will also be more variety.
Thinking over my recent blog posts, there really isn't much about makeup and I think that is helping me to see I'm making a good decision.
I love writing personal posts, I hope with all my heart that me sharing my experiences will help just one person.
I contemplated starting a new blog but like it says on my about me page, I am on the quest for not just outer beauty (makeup, hair products etc.) but also, and more importantly to me, inner beauty. I want my blog to be a space for me to share my growth and what better way than to keep it all in one place? :)
This year I have begun to start to get to know myself and that's the direction I am headed in.
That is what I am hoping with be reflected on my blog. My journey to self acceptance and love.

Thank you so much for stopping by and here's to a new beginning
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Friday, 25 August 2017

How Am I Keeping? | MS Update August '17

So I've been diagnosed for almost a couple of months now and I hate to say I've done what I always do :
I've bottled it all up *insert rolling eyes emoji here*
A couple of days after I got the official diagnosis I was feeling a little down and said to myself that I didn't want to do my usual - minimize it to the point where it's 'nothing' and then do my best to forget about it.
- seriously, i could win awards for this 
I have met up with friends and I don't even mention it. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be all about my chronic disease and have that be all people think of when they see me, but it's almost as if I don't have it.
Which would be a wonderful feeling if it accompanied me having an understanding and acceptance of having MS.
- which i don't, on account of the bottling you see
You'd think that me knowing that I'm bottling things up would be enough for me to stop. What a magical thing that would be.
Unfortunately this is how I've been for as long as I can remember and I feel like it's gonna take a lot of determination and hard work to change that behaviour.
I am going through my everyday life like normal. Fortunately at the moment, my MS symptoms aren't affecting my daily life. I haven't needed to use my walking stick for a couple of months which is a huge bonus.
- seriously, walking stick + contamination OCD does not mesh well together.
The only real reminders that I have is the fact that I have some double vision in my right eye but I've kinda gotten used to it by now. I'm not 100% with my balance but I pretend it's fine. And the numbness in my left leg, which is left over from when the whole left leg was numb earlier this year, is something I forget about.
Every now and then I am reminded of my situation.
Eg: Nic Haste's video discussing 'My Secret Illness' brought me to tears for many reasons, her strength and courage being two. But it also shon a light on what is going on with me. By following MS twitter accounts, I see articles and blog posts shared by them and I can't just pretend I didn't see them. ( National MS Society , MS Society , MSTrust ).
It kind of feels like the universe is sending me reminders to stop ignoring what's going on and pay attention.
This diagnosis is serious and from what people have told me, a big deal.
I can't treat it like it's nothing. I can't pretend it's not there.
Multiple Sclerosis is going to be with me for the rest of my life. I need to address how I feel.
In my previous post, I mentioned that I am currently trying to rebuild my relationship with myself. I am working on many things, one of which is un-learning some behaviours that haven't been very helpful to me.
With regards to my diagnosis, I am going to start focusing on letting my feelings be what they are, not what I think they should be.
Allow myself the time to experience and process them without judgement or expectation.
I need to start listening to myself, my needs and my feelings and see where that takes me 😊
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Sunday, 20 August 2017

Under Reconstruction

Reconstructing a relationship with myself is so far, somewhat of a challenge.
There are so many new territories I need to work through in order to get where I want to be.
A new level of trust needs to be built.
I have certainly burnt many of those bridges and in a lot of ways, I now need to earn my way back into my life by rebuilding what I tore down.
While it could seem easy in an every day relationship to break up, leave them, not put up with it, it gets a little muddy when the relationship is with yourself.
Sure, there are parts of me I want to break up with and leave behind but I can't completely shut the door on the relationship.
It has become apparent that I really and truly have lost trust in myself.
Whether it's little things like 'did I return that massage?' or big things like 'what do I want in life?'.
Over the years I have deliberately put myself in situations knowing it will bring me upset, sadness, stress or loneliness.
I have put others needs before my own, which I believe to be good thing but not when it's all the time.
Looking after myself has become something that is alien to me. Which I think plays a part in my lack of trust.
If I can't/don't/won't look after myself, something that is seemingly easy and should be second nature, how can I trust that I can do anything else?
So in comes a huge piece of the reconstruction : Forgiveness.
I feel that I need to forgive that I made the choice to put myself so low on my list of priorities and that I disregarded my needs and feelings for so long.
I understand why I made those choices, but they no longer fit in with the life I am living now.
They served a purpose but that behaviour isn't something I can continue to practice if I want to live my life to the fullest.
I am currently brick by brick reconstructing my relationship with myself. It's a very slow process but I know that in the end, it will be unshakable and well worth all the hard work 😊
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Friday, 11 August 2017


No matter how many times I've heard it/seen it, it's taken until today for it to fully sink in.
Recovery is a journey.
It takes time.
It's not straight forward.

Much like a car journey, there are stops along the way.
Gotta fill up the tank. Grab snacks. Check the map repeatedly. Turn around because you took the wrong exit. Disagree with the route you chose to take and then change it again and again. Look around at the scenery. Notice what everyone around you is doing. Stop and ask for directions...
At times, during those stops I've kicked the car, grabbed a sleeping bag and pitched a tent at the side of the road.
In the past I have decided that I don't need the stupid car anyway and am better off living in the dirt.
So far, throughout 2017, I have been driving pretty consistently at a tentative 8mph.
There haven't been many stops this year, but when they've happened, I stock up, turn around or whatever it is that I need to do to carry on the journey.
A handful of times I have held my sleeping bag in my hand, started to walk away but have, so far, always gotten back in the car and continued driving.

I feel that I will always be in recovery.
It is something that I am going to have to work at everyday.
There are always going to be stops along the way. They show me what I need.
I am alerted to when I need to rest, when I haven't been checking in with myself, when I may need to try a different approach with something and I am learning that asking for some help is sometimes what I need.
Stops are a reminder that I am still moving. A reminder that I'm not in that little tent anymore.
I am learning so much about myself in this little car of mine. Recovering each and every day ♡😊
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Tuesday, 8 August 2017

Current Favourites

Now. I'm not one for doing monthly favourites. Mainly due to the fact that I just can't seem to get organized enough. Or don't wear makeup as often as the previous month. Or I end up using the same products every time I do do my makeup... which I think would be really boring for people 😄
So I thought that it would be a good idea to share with you my current favourites from the last 6 months or so. That way there'll be a nice assortment :D
Let's get started with the face products.
First up we have the Ultra Contour Palette from Makeup Revolution.
Good grief I love this thing! I've had it for a while now and it is my go to for contour.
I use the second shade on the bottom row... as if you couldn't tell xD
It blends easily and I find that I can build it up for days that I want to look a little more chiseled ;D
The palette is amazing, providing a nice variety of shades with the highlighters and the contour powders.
Massive thumbs up from me... and I'll have to buy another one purely for my favourite contour shade :/
- worth it :D
Speaking of highlighters, here we have the Sleek Solstice Highlighting Palette.
I absolutely adore this thing.
In particular I use the shade Subsolar which is the bottom left.
Recently I have been shying away from gold toned highlighters but this one is too amazing not to use.
I seriously pack this stuff on
- even when I'm just going to get the food shop 🙈
it is absolutely  s t u n n i n g ♡
Next up are two powder blushes that I have been toing and froing between...
I have had the Illamasqua Naked Rose blush in my collection for a really long time and it kinda feels like a safe one to use.
By that I mean I don't feel like I need to think 'will this work?', it just seems to always fit in with the rest of my makeup.
The last few years I have felt that I 'can't' wear pink toned blush because of the pink undertone in my skin but I've thrown that idea out of the window.
I wear what I like :)
This Bobbi Brown blush in Tawny is a little bit darker than Naked Rose but I find it just as easy to wear.
Again, this one has been in my collection for the longest time but is always one I go to.
So far this year I've been darting between these two and feel happy with the result every time.
They're both very pigmented and blend beautifully. I find that if I make sure to use a light hand, they give a natural effect and I couldn't ask for more :)
A brush I have fallen back in love with is the MAC 187.
This was my go to foundation brush a few years back
- *cough* 4 *cough* xD
and it has revived it's place as my go to this year so far.
I use it in circular motions and because it's duo fibre, there isn't a lot of pressure on my face when using it.
It has stood the test of time, an oldie but a goodie :)
I'm now going to share with you two eyeshadows that are go to's...
First up is Estee Lauder eyeshadow in Vanilla Pods. I use the shade on the right as a one eyeshadow look.
It's gorgeous ♡
I use a shader brush to apply it to the lid and then take a fluffy brush to blend some more into the crease and transition.
It creates a whole look and it's literally so quick and easy it's insane!
- i'm all for saving time but looking like a spent ages on my makeup xD
And then we have MAC's Sable.
Where do I even begin??
I have been using this exactly the same way as the previous eyeshadow but this really is my ride or die.
This was one of the first eyeshadows I bought from MAC and has been an all time favourite ever since.
I may even wear this on my wedding day 💘
- i'm getting married?!. no? oh okay! i can calm down now xD
Everyone who is a human being needs to own this.
- lol but seriously you need it ;D
Lastly, I have three lip products.
Now, I'm not a lip person... or so I thought.
Up until last winter I always left my lips out of the equation when I did my makeup.
Not sure why but that has changed!
- hooray!
Starting with the Loreal Paris Lip Paint Matte in Babe-In, this has become a regular on my lips.
I really like the finish, it's almost as though you have nothing on which works for me.
It's a nude colour that suits most makeup looks I do.
Has a doe-foot applicator so it's easy to apply without getting it everywhere... Like I usually do xD
Really impressed :)

Then we have two lip pencils from MAC.
A fuchsia shade called Embrace Me. Man will this knock your socks off!
It's bright, loud and beautiful.
With this one I just tend to go all out with my makeup, it provides me with an inner bravery I think xD
And we have Dervish.
This is one I use as a natural lip shade.
It's enough to show I have something on but not enough to worry about throughout the day.
A really easy and simple option to make some effort but not have to keep reapplying :)

I hope that you liked this post. I think it's nice to see what products people have been really loving :)
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Friday, 4 August 2017

It's Always Been You, Blog.

When I was getting ready this morning I came to quite a large realization.
I was pondering what content I wanted to work on, what posts I'd like to write and the goals I hope to achieve, when it hit me...
I don't want to make videos.
You may or may not know that I occasionally make YouTube videos. At one time I was becoming rather regular with my uploads and it was my blog that was on the neglected back-burner.
Well I realized this morning that I no longer enjoy making videos.
It feels like it isn't for me right now. It doesn't fit in with who I am in my life at this time.
I've decided to take a break. A break that has no time limit. If I flow back to it I flow back to it, but for now, you'll find me right here.

In my darkest days, I was blogging.
- it may not have been very public, but i was blogging nonetheless xD
Writing feels like an outlet for me. I find my thoughts much easier to handle when they're written out in bite sized chunks.
Blogging has always been there for me. A place to turn to when I don't know what's going on.
Somewhere that feels safe and comforting.
It kind of feels like I write open letters to myself that I can read back time and time again if I so choose, with the added bonus of hopefully helping someone along the way.
I write about my experiences with my mental health, life and now at times, my physical well being. All of which provide me with a fire in my belly like no other.
I also write about all the things that make me happy.
Whether it's talking about my favourite brushes, new palettes, music that touches my soul or makeup looks I've been loving.

Coming to this decision felt like the easiest thing in the world, which indicates to me that I'm making the right choice.
It also fills me with an unbelievable feeling of pride and achievement because I have listened to what I was feeling and have eliminated something that wasn't feeling quite right.
And the best part is that I did it because I wanted to help myself.
I cannot remember a time where I have done that. I usually run towards things that will bring me pain.
I am slowly but surely learning that, for me, self care isn't all about painting my nails, it's about hearing what I am thinking and feeling and choosing to look after myself.

By removing the pressures I put on myself to be able to blog and make videos, I am freeing up so much time and energy to fully focus on my blog.
I couldn't be happier :)

It truly feels like this is my little corner of the world where I can just be myself.
No pressure, no filtering, no added sugar, not watered down. Just me :)
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Tuesday, 1 August 2017


I had plans to have lunch with a friend of mine yesterday afternoon.
It was organized so that I could attend an appointment earlier in the day and then meet up with her a little while afterwards.
I was going to have just over an hour of free time between the two so I was thinking about what I wanted to do.
Walking around and getting hot and bothered was not something I was remotely interested in doing.
- beetroot, shiny face anyone? xD
So I had a think.
I headed to a WHSmith's and bought a small notepad and a pen, headed to a costa, got a cold drink and then just sat alone at a table for two.

Lately I have been really working hard regarding my mental health. I'm doing everything I can to better understand myself and 'get better'.
Throughout last year, I was having these 'epiphanies' which opened the door to so many different issues/questions/problems I was having, past and present.
I found that by talking aloud I was hearing it in a whole other way which provided me with a new perspective.
It wasn't that someone was telling me a different way of looking at it, I was doing it for myself.
Lately a similar thing has been happening.
It started with me watching Tony Robbins on YouTube and now I can't seem to stop...
This combined with other factors, I feel as though I am learning about myself on a much deeper level than ever before.
And my epiphanies are back.
I had a thought the other day but was unable to find the time to really think it through, so yesterday I did exactly that.
With my hour to spare, I sat with my fruity beverage, pen and paper and went to town.
Writing things out really helps me to think more clearly.
I would switch between writing and being thoughtful while people watching.

Who am I?!
If you had told me a year, no, 4 weeks ago, that I would be working on a project so intensely that it filled my free time and provided me with personal growth, understanding and self care I would have laughed SO hard! If you had then said that the project is 'Me', I would have fallen off my chair, felt embarrassed, changed the subject and d e f i n i t e l y  1,000,000% not believed you.

Yesterday I chose to find the time in, what to me was an already busy day, to sit and work on myself. To be patient and accepting of my findings.
And oh boy how amazing it felt.

Here's to many, many more days like this

Oh! And happy August 1st to you!
- seriously? it's august already?? xD
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