Sunday, 23 April 2017

Off Balance

So due to my current situation, you know, having a number of tests to see if I may have MS, I am having 'strange' things happening.
At the moment I am experiencing balance issues.
I can't say that I've ever experienced anything like this before.
I'm having to look at the ground while walking. If I look around I tend to veer off.
And I have a slight feeling of un-steadiness about me.
I feel fortunate that I don't have to do much walking around in my life currently as it feels rather frustrating and
is a reminder that there may be something wrong with me.

Having this happening at the moment has also made me reflect on the feeling of being off balance internally.
I don't feel in-tune with myself.
There are things that I want to do, things I want to stop doing but don't feel enough of a connection with myself to accomplish them.

I feel as though I am mentally walking around staring at the floor so that I don't wander off too far from the path I'm currently on.
Which would be fine if that meant that I were pursuing my dreams, achieving the things I want to and cracking on with goals that I have.
But alas, that isn't my existence.
My inner self-saboteur has continually stood in my own way for as long as I can remember.
Never letting me see what I can achieve or what life has to offer.

Staring at the floor is me standing in my own way. Making sure I'm not looking around getting any ideas of bettering my situation/life.
Don't aim too high on those goals of beating OCD or else you may veer off and get lost... Or heaven forbid, be cured.
Rather than putting 100% into blogging keep watching your feet because that's too much for you to handle... Or I may possibly enjoy it.

Mentally looking down has meant that I have kept myself ill, not lived the best life I possibly can
and not to mention given me a huge mental cramp in the neck!

Now that this has been brought to my attention I cannot comprehend continuing to live this way.
Being unaware of treating myself this way is one thing but by now having the full picture, it has
given me the opportunity to change my behavior and let myself grow.

I will now look up and take in all that is around me.
Stop this self-destructive way of life that I have become so used to.
Look after myself better physically and mentally.
Become more balanced with who I am and what I want and need.

Although this train of thought started by possibly having something else going on, it has made me look closer to home.
It has helped me to see that I have to start with me.

I no longer want to be looking at my feet while the world, and my life, pass on by.
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Friday, 7 April 2017

Pinterest Picks #1

I decided that I would take a look at what I had recently pinned in my Goals board on Pinterest...
i'm addicted, it's hilarious but's not funny xD
I find that motivation slips away from me and thought that by creating a board dedicated to things I can aim for,
encouraging pictures or positive affirmations, I would have a constant source to check when in need.

So with that in mind, I thought I would share with you a few of my latest pins.
Maybe you'll find some inspiration from them too :)

As I mentioned above I struggle with motivation and something that contributes to that is a worry that I'll get it wrong or scared I'll fail.
I've always been a worrier and I am in the process of learning to try and not worry about the things I cannot change.
Worrying or being scared doesn't stop it from happening and doesn't change something that already has.
This post really spoke to me :)

Slowing down has really become something I aspire to do.
Whenever I walk anywhere, you'd think I was taking part in a sprint!!
Over the lest month I have made a conscious effort so walk slower, take in my surroundings and have been feeling much better for it.
I don't want to rush through my life, I want to savor it.

This one really resonates with me.
Ta-rust me when I say that reaching the other side of an unbelievable breakdown is the most tremendous feeling in the whole world... In my world at least.
I pinned this to remind me so that I never lose sight of that feeling :)

 And that's all for now :)
I hope you liked this post, I'm thinking of making this a series on the blog 😏
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Friday, 17 March 2017

Cheering For Myself

I seem to manage to accumulate a certain amount of motivation and then over time it slips away. As if it all gets used up.
It's extremely frustrating and upsets me.
When I am on the ball and motivated to do something (whatever that may be) I do it and I give it 1000% percent.
That's just who I am.
I can blog, clean my room, wash my brushes, catch up with my latest watch on tv and go to bed at a decent hour and it feels amazing!
I feel like I'm king of the world.
And then as quickly as it comes, it goes.
I have recently had about three weeks feeling like I have purpose and things that I want to do,
and in the recent 7 days it feels as though it has 'run out'.

I realize that my mental health plays a large part in this.
I suffer with low mood and when I feel like that, I don't feel like I can do anything.
But I also think that it is caused by me trying to do so much.
Pressuring myself to get so much done.
I don't just say to myself “I want to write a blog post” I think “I need to write three or I'm rubbish”.
Or, “I need to wash my brushes” and then if I don't do them that day I feel like a huge failure.

I'm not a cheerleader for myself, I'm my own nemesis.
I'm there sarcastically clapping when I drop my sandwich,
happens more often than you'd think! 😂
or giving myself the I knew it look when I don't achieve something I said I would.

And these are things that I am determined to work on and change.
I am so tired of being like this.
I should be the one shouting my own name and holding a banner up when I do achieve something.
I know it won't be easy but nothing that's worth it ever is, is it?

You got this girl, let's do it! 😏
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If you enjoyed this post, you may like this one :
Ending a 6 year long toxic relationship, with myself.

Monday, 13 March 2017

Technic Haul

A few months back, I heard about a brand that I'd never heard of before... Technic.
I saw that the products were good quality for a purse friendly price, so I of course, purchased some items xD

I'm an eye shadow kinda gal, palettes to be precise.
I'm not sure what it is, but I'm drawn to them, almost like the possibilities are endless :)
I chose to purchase the products from Amazon because, well, if Amazon sell it, I'll buy it  xD

I chose three palettes that consist of 12 eye shadows, the more the merrier right? ;D
Mega Mattes £1.50, Mega Nudes 2 £2.33, Mega Nudes 3 £1.50 (all are add on items)
The first palette just contains mattes as the name indicates and the other two are a mixture of mattes and shimmer shades 🙆

And I had seen the bronzing eye shadows swatched so I knew I needed that one 
Bronzing eye shadow palette £3.10

The next palette caught my eye and I think it's understandable why :D
Electric Eyes Metalix Palette £1.99 (add on item)
I love shimmer shades and the yellow and lilac just called out to me 😍

I have used different shades from different palettes and so far I am really pleased with how they apply, wear and last.
Seriously impressed with this brand and will have to venture out into more of their products :)

Have you tried anything from Technic? Any products that you would recommend? 😊
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If you enjoyed this post, you may like this one :

Friday, 10 March 2017

Complete Recovery

I remember when I was first diagnosed with OCD in 2014, I immediately set out to learn as much as I could about the monster that was plaguing my brain.
I saw that with a lot of persistent and hard work, you can in time, learn to manage your OCD and possibly become free of it.
a person with OCD can learn to manage symptoms so that they won’t interfere with daily functioning.“
it is also possible, with the right support and treatment to achieve a complete recovery from OCD.“
Information from ocduk

Within a few months of being diagnosed I received some C.B.T.
I did quite well. My main issues were with checking and I managed in some instances to get them to a more manageable level.
After I had finished C.B.T, I slipped backwards rather quickly and to a far worse degree.
In the years that have followed I have hit rock bottom, resulting in me not wanting to get better or even feeling like I can.

When I had a bit of a breakthrough last year, it provided me with a whole new way of thinking about my situation.
It lead to me accepting that I can get better and more importantly, that I want to.
I have spent a lot of the last 10 months learning to accept my mental health for what it is.
Coming to the conclusion that if this is my life forever, that is okay.
I have a great life and as long as I am trying, I'm happy.
I have settled on this being how I will always live. It's what my life is and I'm alright with that.

Well, I came to a very positive, overwhelming and scary realization last year.
While the above is all still true, it's not enough.
I don't want this to be my life.
Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful for everything and everyone that I am blessed to have in it but... I want more.
It's not just about me, I don't think that anyone should have to live like this.

And then I remembered: you can recover completely.
I can recover completely?
Is that an option?
I have been living in a limbo of where I was (not feeling I can get better) and how I am living now (trying to question my OCD)
that I had almost forgotten that there is a third option.
Complete recovery.

I don't do things by halves.
I'm either all in or not at all.
Whether it be cake or a relationship, it's all or nothing. No half measures.
So why have I been treating my mental health any differently?
I don't want to be going through all this effort and hard work to be living this exact life in 20 years.

I am going to aim for full recovery.
I know it can be done.
I have been following Ash on Twitter for years now and his story is truly inspiring.
He is currently 12 years free of OCD :')

I am on the path to believing in myself enough to know that I can beat this.
That this illness will take no more of my life away from me.
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If you enjoyed this post, you may like this one :
Ending my toxic relationship with myself

Monday, 6 March 2017

Looking Back Comparing Old and New Makeup Looks

I recently came across a picture of me from a few years back and was horrified by my make up.
So, I of course then dug into my folders of make up looks that I've done and the horror only got worse and worse and worse 😱😂
So this post is dedicated to taking an in-depth look at how far I have come... I'm scared, are you? 🙈

The picture below is from 2012/13.
Erm, all I have to say is why is the shadow not all the way to my inner corner??
Let's move on xD

I can see what I was trying to do here but it's just not blended right to me.
And for a few years I would always make that 'point' in the outer corner... Don't ask me, how should I know??
I may have to try and recreate this look though :D
Aaaand on to the next...

Here are a few that are from the same time.
I made an audible screech when I saw these 😣
The blending on the middle look seems to be non-existent :/
For the longest time I could not take my eye shadow to the outer corner... I honestly have no idea why.
It was  l i t e r a l l y  impossible for some strange reason.

So I will now share with you a collage of looks from this year...
Ahh, much better! And I must say my eyebrow game has improved a whole lot 😎

I'm not where I want to be but I feel that this post shows just how far I have come and that feels pretty amazing :)
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Friday, 3 March 2017

My MRI Experience

About a week before Christmas 2016 I had a Brain and Cervical Spine MRI.
I had gotten my appointment date through around mid November so I had a while to prepare myself for the big day.
I always need to know the ins and outs of anything that's new to me. Whether it's appointments, meet ups with people or even my feelings...
Yes, you read that right xD
In time leading up to it I had been searching everywhere to find out what the process would be for the cervical spine scan to no avail :/
I was also curious to know what I would be allowed to wear.
My letter said to wear loose fitting clothes such as tracksuit bottoms and a long sleeved tshirt,
but did that mean I would be able to wear those rather than a gown?
In the end I found the whole process to be very straight forward and thought that as I had had questions,
I would share my experience to help anyone out there in the same boat as me :)
Please bear in mind that I am in no way a professional, nor do I know all the lingo! I'm just a gal who had an MRI that one time 😄

So, I had a Brain and Cervical Spine MRI.
A cervical what? I'll get into that in a bit ;)
When I got my appointment letter through, I received a survey to fill in to take along with me on the day.
It asked questions regarding if I have any metal inside my body etc. etc.
If you answered yes to a handful of the questions, you needed to contact them immediately so that they could assess what the next step was.
I didn't answer yes to those so I just took my survey along with me on the day, which they checked before my I went into the machine.

I was asked to arrive 20 minutes before my appointment time.
My mum went with me and we only had to wait a little while before I was seen.
I met one of the people who did the scan, they asked me if I was wearing any metal.
I was wearing a bra with an under-wire and I had metal eyelets on my trainers.
I let them know, they said I would need to remove my bra and told me where the individual changing rooms were to do so in private.
I was fine to leave my trainers on – I assume this was because my legs weren't inside the machine for the scan?

The whole process was then explained to me.
I was told that I was having the brain MRI and Cervical Spine MRI.
It was explained to me that my brain scan would take 20 minutes and my cervical spine scan would also take 20 minutes.
When discussing the cervical spine scan she motioned towards her neck.
Question answered... internal fist bump! xD
Both could be done with me in the same position so I didn't have to reposition after the first set were done.
A grand total of laying in the machine for 40 minutes.

I was weighed before I went into the machine room
tried not to pay attention to this bit ;D
On the 'bed' there was the paper that you see in doctors rooms covering the part you lay on and there was a section built in for your head to go on.
I sat down and they explained that I would need to lay down with my head in the specific part of the bed.
Once I was laying down they placed noise cancelling ear buds in my ears and a foam cushion under my knees to make me comfortable.
Then they added padding between my ears and the sides of the head section.
The top attachment part of it was then clipped on over my head and face.
I could clearly see through, and while I was laying there I kept think about Ripley's loader?
Except hers was way bigger, she had more room and looked 100 times more hard core than me 😒
Thinking of this distracted me for a little while anyway xD

I was handed a button that I could squeeze if I needed any help.
And then in I went.

I knew before hand that you have to lie as still as possible to get clear images so I kept that in mind throughout.
The first 20 minutes of scanning were quick 'clicky' sounds so I found myself counting them to give myself something to do xD
The final 20 minutes were more murmuring noises so there wasn't anything for me to count so I just laid there.
Throughout there were some vibrations through the bed which I had been informed about before it started. To be honest I didn't really notice them.
I must say that it felt like half the time it took.
When I was being brought out I thought “Is that it??”.
I sat up and removed the ear buds.
I was told that my consultant (neurologist) would have my results within 10 days :)

I was told through a family member who knew of people that had had an MRI
 that they experienced headaches for two days after, I was absolutely fine.

All in all it was a very straight forward experience and I would now be more comfortable to have one if need be in the future.

Please be aware that this is just my experience with the whole process.
I know of someone who had an MRI in a different area of their body a few weeks before I had mine and they 
had to wear underwear, socks and a gown.
They also weren't sent the survey, they were asked the questions when they went for the appointment.

Based on our two experiences, it seems that it isn't a blueprinted procedure from hospital to hospital.

I found the whole experience to be straightforward and - minus my contamination OCD - easy.
If I have to have another one in the future I won't be anywhere near as nervous as I was this time around :)

I hope that sharing my experience was helpful in some way :)
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Enjoy this post? Maybe you'll like :

Will I be diagnosed with MS? How will it change me?

Wednesday, 1 March 2017

My Goals for Lent 2017

Today is the first day of Lent and while I have no issues with discussing my reasons etc. as to why I take part in Lent, this post is going to discuss my goals for Lent and what I hope to achieve :)

So, Lent this year is from Wednesday 1st March to Thursday 13th April and I'm really looking forward to it.

I have decided to give up having takeaways
insert hysterically crying emoji here 😭😂
I must admit that I partake of takeaways faaaar too regularly, seriously, it's a problem.
Last year I gave up takeaways, and managed to stick to it which was quite an achievement to me :')
One of the things I noticed most was the money I saved(!!)
I remember picking up makeup bits that I desperately wanted and it felt amazing.
I cooked way more and my veg intake was insane
way to go me, let's have a sprig of broccoli to celebrate :D

Something else that I am taking up for Lent is going out everyday.
In all honesty I think that I will struggle way more with this.
Due to my mental health, going out is difficult for me.
My anxiety is raised when I'm out of my 'bubble', my contamination OCD steps into high gear and my mood dictates what I do (or don't do) with my day which often gets in the way of being social and going outside.
I feel as though pushing myself to get out everyday will have a positive effect on me (at least I hope it will).
So what am I hoping to achieve?
By setting myself these goals I am hoping to start the journey to a healthier lifestyle, actually enjoy going out (which will hopefully help towards my mental health ie. Anxiety), lose a bit of weight and by spending more time alone, encourage self love and an improved relationship with myself.

As Lent is a focused 6 week time frame, I have set myself some Blog/YouTube goals too:

I'd like to post at least two video's and two blog posts in this time.
And I would like to buy the Two Faced Chocolate Bar Palette, Create my own Iconic palette and buy the LA Girl concealer.

Lent has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember and I look at it as a time to better myself.
I'm hoping to improve myself in this time and learn from the experiences I gain :)

I'll keep you posted ;)
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If you enjoyed this post, you may like this one : THE BREAKUP

Tuesday, 7 February 2017

My Birthday Makeup

Last week I celebrated my 27th birthday. Yup, I'm officially past my mid twenties now :/
Ah, the joys of growing older :)
So on my birthday I decided to take my time with my makeup, I think I spent two hours and it was  g l o r i o u s :D

I had bought the Morphe 35F palette the previous week and I couldn't hold back from using it any longer <3
I have been staring at it on Instagram for months and was so pleased to finally have it in my posession! I mean, look at it...
 I used the 3rd matte shade on the bottom row through the crease and then deepened it with the 5th shade.
I love me some orange on the eyes and this didn't disappoint :)
I then used the first shade on the third row on the lids for a bit of sparkle, because, well to me sparkle is everything every day ;)
I used the two matte shades on the lower lash line too, I took them really low 
And then I tried the first shade in the palette as my inner corner and brow bone highlight and oh. my. goodness!!
Blinding! If they sold this shade separately I feel that it would be a holy grail for most of us *insert heart eye emoji here*

All of the shades I used were very pigmented and have used the palette a few times since, definitely one of my new faves :D

And because it was my birthday there was obviously chocolate cake, so I'll leave you with that image ;D
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GOLD EYES, BERRY LIPS - A face of the day post

Tuesday, 24 January 2017

What's In A Label?

I wrote the following post up in December but life got in the way - as it always does - so I am posting it now :)

It's been just over a week since my brain and cervical spine MRI and I'm wondering what my results will say.
I got a letter a few days after the scans with an appointment to see my neurologist in about 5 weeks time.
So I now know that my neurologist has received them and will possibly be giving me some answers next month.
There's a -input percentage here- likely chance that I have Multiple Sclerosis.
My symptoms match up in some ways but I'm sure there are 100million other reasons that could cause them.
That's why I have had the test, so that they can see if MS is what's going on.

Will I be diagnosed with MS?
Will I be diagnosed with something?
Will it be something even more sinister?
Will the scans be clear and when I'm an old lady be able to share my story of “once, it was thought I may have had MS”?

These are a handful of what is going through my brain.
I have made as much peace with the possible diagnosis as I can in my current position but the questions rage on.
It made me think this morning, why am I putting so much emphasis on the diagnosis?
Yes, it is of course super important to know if you are suffering with something that needs medical treatment, help from doctors and possibly medication, but other than that : how does it change me?

When I was diagnosed with OCD it made my life a little easier... For a short time.
Knowing the monster inside me that was controlling every aspect of my life almost made me feel like I had the higher ground.
But over the years, it progressively got worse to the stage I have been in for a while,
being bullied and doing whatever it commands every day.
I have described my OCD as a part of who I am.
Just as I would say “Autumn is my favourite season” I would say “I have OCD”.
Over the last year I have come to a slightly better understanding and now feel that I can differentiate between 
who I am and what I have.
I am not my OCD, I have OCD.

If I am diagnosed with MS for example, how will that change the fact that I could watch Pride and Prejudice any time and be just as in love with it as I was the first time.
Or how much I enjoy eye shadow palettes, I know I don't need any more but that will never stop me xD
Or laughing with my family and friends at anything and everything.
How will it change me?
The answer is, it wont.
It is a label.
I will not allow it to make changes to who I am as a person.
Over the years I have let far too many things stand in the way of me living my life.
I have begun to see in recent months that I don't and haven't prioritized myself for pretty much my whole life so
nothing is going to stand in my way of recovery and working on myself.
Multiple Sclerosis or no Multiple Sclerosis.
Clean scan or no clean scan.
No more labels.
This is my time.
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Ending my toxic relationship with myself