Tuesday, 20 September 2016

The Breakup | Part One

For the last 6 years I have been in a very unhealthy relationship.
Being belittled, overlooked and forgotten about were daily occurrences.
I have been on the receiving end of emotional, verbal and at times physical abuse.
Well, this week I have decided that enough is enough.
I no longer want to be treated this way and there's only one thing I can do.
End the relationship.

It may sound like a no brainer but it's going to be one of the most difficult things I've ever done.

I am breaking up with myself.
That's right.
The toxic relationship that I have been in is with me.

It may not sound serious but it has taken a lot to get to this point.
Years of denial and pushing things to the back of my mind.

Over the years I have continually mistreated myself with a lack of respect to my feelings and needs.

It started out rather innocently, making others my priority and not really thinking of myself.
But I continued to do this and I got further and further down my list of priorities.

I took it upon myself  throughout my last relationship to make my partner and those I was close to more important than me.
It meant more to me that they were happy, healthy and feeling loved and looked after than myself.
I think that this in moderation is great but I did it to the point that when the relationship ended I was left with nothing and felt, literally, empty.
I had given myself away completely and since then haven't bothered to rebuild what I gave away.

I treated myself unkindly and taught myself to believe that I'm not important.
I never checked in to see if I was happy. If my needs were being met. If I was living the life I wanted to be living.
Over time it just became so ingrained that I didn't even consciously think it anymore. Like I was on autopilot.

Due to this toxic behaviour, when my mental health became an issue, I couldn't muster enough reason, energy or motivation to try to fight or get better.
I was literally a shell of a person who spent her days in a circle of feeling worthless, undeserving and lost.

I thought for a long time that how I was feeling was due to me missing my partner but I have learnt very recently that I have been missing me.

I have broken my own heart with how I have treated myself.

I am learning that the most important relationship anyone will ever have is the one they have with themselves.
It is your foundation.
Even when the structure you build on top of it crumbles it will always be there.

I have reduced my foundation to a place of self neglect.
A place that I don't trust to know what's best for me.

I am going to take a hammer and rebuild my foundation.
This is the end of a dead end, toxic relationship that has done nothing but hurt me.

I have no anger, no regret and I hold no resentment towards myself.
I know I did what I thought was the right thing at the time and I am learning to accept that.
In time I will learn to forgive myself but I will never forget.
I am now rebuilding my foundation and that doesn't involve treating myself this way ever again 

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